Dear Sarah Palin, George Bush and other End of Time Believers,

I am sorry to inform you that I will be preventing the second coming of you savior. It's nothing personal, but I just don't intend to move to Israel just to suit your religious beliefs. Let me explain below.

You see, End of Timers, I'm Jewish. Now, I don't actually keep Kosher (I love pulled pork way too much...and bacon cheese burgers are pretty damned good too) and I only occasionally attend synagogue. In fact I think I have visited more Buddhist temples in Japan than I have visited synagogues anywhere in the world. Though I did spend some time and effort a few years ago to help save a synagogue in Latvia, if that counts.

But I am still Jewish because my mother was Jewish and her mother and so on, and that is what really counts. And I have been circumsized (sorry if that is too much information for some End of Timers, who I know feel a bit nervous at mentions of body parts, but it really matters in Judaism), and I honor no gods before YHWH (in fact I am not always sure I believe in YHWH). So basically by the strictest definitions of what it means to be Jewish, I am Jewish. Interestingly, both Lubavichers and anti-Semites in Eastern Europe seem able to recognize I'm Jewish on sight. Plus, I really have always considered myself Jewish, so there you are.

Now I know you End of Timers have put a particular precondition on the return of Jesus (let's call him by his real name, Joshua, not what the Greeks called him). You insist that all Jews must return to Israel before Joshua can come back. Now I appreciate your thinking of us (although things don't always come out well for Jews when people like you think of us). I mean, placing the timing of the return of Joshua in the hands of those who don't believe he was the son of YWH is pretty trusting of you, and I know you are not generally trusting people. But let me point out you didn't ask us first, so I don't think it is fair to put such a burden on us.

But let me get to the point. You see, I am an American, plain and simple. I am as American as any End of Timer. So this is my home. I am a supporter of Israel (though I don't particularly like the actions of its government sometimes), but that doesn't mean I want to move there. So you maybe you should have checked with me before you required I move to Israel before Joshua returned. Because as things are, I will be holding up your second coming because I don't really plan on moving to Israel.

I mean come on. I have a great apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn (though with the economy the way it is, thanks to Bush, I might add, it is sometimes hard to afford the neighborhood...but the school is great!). People don't give up apartments like that easily. I've got a good job and I am not sure I could find as good a job in Israel. And then there's my wife. Could she find a job in Israel too? Also, I have to admit, I don't know much Hebrew and I'm not so great at learning languages, so that might be a bit awkward.

So what I am trying to say is, I don't really want to be a bother, but I have no intention of moving to Israel anytime soon. I am as American as you are and I don't think you would appreciate it if I required you move to Europe before my Moshiach could come by (if he ever will...I mean if not now, then when and....well, that's another story).

So sorry, Sarah Palin, George Bush, and all other End of Timers. You're just going to have to wait a lot longer for Joshua's return (though honestly you might not like his opinion of you if/when he does come back). I'm staying right here in America where I belong. And honestly, my son doesn't really seem that interested in moving out of America either.

Sincerely,

An AMERICAN who happens to also be Jewish